R-E-S-P-E-C-T the baby

Mom decided to take a day off today. At four a.m. she said to me, “I’m just so tired. It’s not anything I actually did; I think some days life just catches up with you. You wouldn’t understand. When will you learn English?” What she doesn’t know is that I have quite an extensive vocabulary, and have since before birth thanks to my dad, who read to me while I was still in the womb. I haven’t learned how to speak yet, because muscle coordination is coming slowly for me. It’s frustrating, but when it gets hard I remember all the other babies out there whose parents didn’t read to them, whose mothers did jumping jacks while they were pregnant and who consequently are miles behind me developmentally. It comforts me to know there are others out there starting from square one.

Well, I knew that there would be quite a few people who would be incredibly unhappy if today’s blog was blank with Mom’s suggested, “Do Not Disturb” sign. So I got up early this morning, came out to the dining room, booted up the computer and opened my own word document. Today you will hear my side of the story.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about diapers. It’s hard not to when you’ve got this big rounding swath of material sticking off your bum, making it look two times as big as it really is, and making it feel four times as big. Ah-Goo, I am certain everybody notices, they’re just too polite to say anything, but this diaper makes my butt look huge! However, the whole diaper thing is very useful for training your parents to cater to your every whim. I definitely recommend it for anyone with uncooperative parents. It can be a little humiliating at first, for the adults, until you teach them to really respect you. Pooping when they least expect it is one of the best lessons. Wait until they take you to a nice dinner party and then grunt and go red in the face until your diaper becomes volcanic. That’ll teach them some respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me.

And although it’s difficult to let everyone talk to you in tiny baby voices (the same they use with the dog…ironic?), it’s best to let them think you don’t understand. If they only knew how incredibly developed my mind was they would start expecting me to do things like talk, walk, and do the dishes! Thankfully it’s the best-kept secret I’ve got. Speaking of secrets, I’ve got lots more of those than you would think. People talk around me as if I’m not even there. It’s amazing that nobody ever considers my ears, tiny though they are. I hear all the grown-up conversations! It’s awesome. Don’t tell Dad, but Mom said he’s hot. I think that means he’s in big trouble. I’m not sure, though. I still have some idioms to learn.

And on to the hot topic: the price of gas. What is with the price of gas?! It just keeps going up, and I just know somebody out there is raking in the dough while we scrape the coffers for our last cents, just to get across town! I’m going to start biking. I say we all go on strike, walk and bike everywhere, just to make those rich guys squirm. It’s amazing that we’ve allowed ourselves to become so dependent on vehicles, and subsequently on gasoline, even though on the whole we have moved closer and closer together in the cities. I think it’s all to blame on this mindset that we have to do everything faster. If we all just took a chill pill and lived where we are, instead of careening all over the city, state and country, coming home just to sleep, we could be at home long enough to grow our own vegetables – which would save us the gas from the extra trip to the grocery store.

Well, have you heard enough? I know discussing issues with a baby isn’t necessarily all that interesting to most adults, but I thought I’d give it a go. Maybe after Mom sees what I’ve written she’ll let me be a regular on this thing. It sure was fun…although Mom’s camera is super-heavy! I won’t be attempting that again any time soon. My arms are so sore!

from the Mom: The other day when Derek came home I told him how Luke had said, "Mama" and I thought maybe it was just coincidence. Derek said, "Don't be humble. Our kid's a genius." I laughed then, but after finding this post on my desktop, I'm beginning to believe it....